Not Like This
by You-drive-me-nuts-miller
Summary: Nick knew what he wanted their first kiss to be like... (A One-Shot based on cooler and what Nick meant by 'Not like this')


_I'm an idiot._

Yes, yes he was. Nick Miller was the biggest idiot in the world, well at least that's what he felt like. There she was, in his arms, the opportunity right in front of him and he has said _no, not like this._ The memory of the look on her face made him groan inwardly as he changed into his sleep clothes. What must she be thinking? How dumb was he! After all that careful hiding of his real feelings he let them out in the most ridiculous way. Urgh. Frustrated with himself, he re-buttoned the trench coat and slumped back on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

The problem was, he had thought about it - _a lot_. So many times that he had lost count. The idea that the first time he would kiss Jessica Day could be part of a game just felt wrong. Even if it would also be the last time. Sighing, he turned onto his side. _Stop thinking about it Miller, she's with Sam. Actually, they are now across the hall probably-_ he squeezed his eyes shut in an attempt to stop his mind finishing that thought. Thinking about Jess with someone else made him feel queasy.

When he had told her, all those months ago that he didn't want the rewards, well, he was not exactly being truthful. The thing was, he had thought about the rewards, many times, in many ways. Sometimes these visions and scenarios tortured him in his sleep. He also knew that she was the kind of girl who deserved something amazing.

Although he hid it well a lot of the time, Nick was a romantic at heart. His heart had developed a little hard shell in recent years, but underneath was a sensitive soul who knew the importance of doing things right and a first kiss was one of those things. His mind wandered…

_On the beach – what he wished had happened_

They were on the beach. It was the day when he had hurt his back and they had all been drinking at the bar. His mind was a little fuzzy from the painkillers Sadie had given him but his mind had cleared a little when he had run into the cold ocean.

They had sat next to each other; she was bundled up in a pink coat. The air was a little frigid. He'd wanted to cuddle up to her, keep her warm. But he kept his distance. They'd watched the rolling waves of the midnight ocean crash towards the shore as the salty air filled his lungs. She smiled, let him talk. He told her how much he liked her, if she knew what he really meant she hadn't acknowledged it. Silently, they sat, happy in each other's company as the twirling lights of the funfair behind them reflected in the water.

She'd said _we should head back_ and he agreed but neither had moved. They'd continued to gaze out upon the vastness of possibility that was the Pacific Ocean. As the voices and sounds around them quietened, they had slowly inched together, until his hand had moved to her waist, holding her against him, keeping her shivering body warm. She had sighed and turned to look at him, the soft moonlight silhouetting her face; creating a halo affect around her hair. She looked beautiful, like an angel. Her eyes were large and rounded and her lips began to form a wordless smile. His own lips parted as he breathed in. Her eyes flashed to his mouth and in that moment, he took his chance. Keeping his gaze fixed upon her, he leaned forwards; a little hesitantly at first until he saw her reciprocate, until their lips finally met. It was soft, firm, deep, full. His hand had dug into the cold, damp sand as he leaned into her, his ears were filled with the sound of crashing waves and the buzz of a blood rush to his brain. She'd clung to him, tightly, as if for dear life. The taste of her was sweet, like minty berries and sunshine.

_Up in the canyons – what he should have said _

"If moving in with Caroline will make you happy, I think you should do it," She said, staring at him with large, honest eyes.

"I think you need me too much," he had replied.

"I'm going to be fine, I am."

"I don't think so," he said, shaking his head.

"I am," she had insisted, "And you know why?"

"Why?" She paused and pursed her lips in a straight smile.

"Because I met you," she answered. His heart had jumped at this simple statement, a lump of expectation rose in his throat. He swallowed.

"Okay," he said quietly, his eyes darting to her lips. In that moment thoughts of Caroline had melted away. Thoughts of anything beyond him and Jess stuck in that dumb canyon looking for his car keys. He knew why he threw them-it was because of her. He wanted her to give him a reason to stay. "What if I said I needed you too much?" he continued finally. She took a sharp intake of breath and tilted her head a little.

"What?" she said, as if she hadn't heard him correctly. Stepping closer to her, he took hold of her arms. She was wearing his old parka, she looked so cute and vulnerable.

"I said," he replied, "What if _I _needed _you _too much?" he held his breath as he waited for his words to sink in.

"I'd say- I'd say that would be a reason for you to stay," she looked up at him expectantly. Now was the moment.

"Okay," he nodded. Bringing his hand up to her face, he wrapped his fingers in her hair, stroking her cheek with his thumb. His gaze flitted between her red lips and her own beautiful blue eyes before he took the chance. A kiss; sweet, tender, filled with promise. He'd pulled her to him, lifting her up on her toes slightly as his other hand found its way to the small of her back, before his arms had switched. Tilting her slowly back into the embrace –imaging he was the romantic lead in a sweeping drama who'd finally got the girl of his dreams.

_Talking on the Car –why he ran to her _

"What am I doing Nick? I'm a teacher, not a shot girl," she had handed him the bottle of tequila and quickly ran out of the door. He knew in that instant what he had to do – go to her, comfort her. There was no question.

Finding her outside of her old workplace, he'd moved to sit next to her on the hood of the car. _Is she surprised I'm here? _She didn't seem to be. To her it seemed perfectly natural. Friends look after friends, right? _That's what we are, right? _This kind of friendship was new and scary yet comfortable and natural at the same time. A friend who was female-that was a new thing for him. _So is this what it's like? _But this felt different to him than friendship-it was more. It felt like he wanted a relationship to feel like, easy and mutual. Just, this kind of relationship didn't have the complications of sex and well… just , sex. There were feelings. There were hugs, touches, glances…

He'd put his arm around her, felt her warmth through his thin cotton button down. Placed his hand on her bare arm and hugged her close – enjoying her smell, a mixture of sweetness and spice. This felt good. Being there for her.

She turned to him, "Thank you Nick," she'd smiled, "You're a good friend. You're always there for me," then resting her head on the crook of his shoulder.

"Yeah Jess, this is what friends do, right?"

"Well… You're here…" her arm had moved to the buttons that closed his shirt, "So whatever that means… What does it mean Nick? You're always the one-"

"You know why Jess," he'd said shyly, his voice breaking a little at the end. She shifted her head so it angled up a little towards his.

A little smile crept upon the edges of her mouth as she squirmed a little with a mixture of nervousness and anticipation. "Do I?" she asked in a whisper.

"It's always you Jess, always you," he looked down at her as he spoke. Wordlessly, he had leant back so she was resting against the cool glass windscreen, bringing his body down with her as she did so he was lying on his side, gazing down at her. "You've got to know you mean the world to me," he'd smiled.

"Really?" she'd replied a little surprised.

"Yeah, really," he finished by giving her a gentle kiss on her forehead that made her chuckle.

"Like, best friends?"

"Would best friends do this?"

Leaning down, this kiss was sensual, filled with restrained passion. Applying just the right amount of pressure that made her want more, made her push upwards, press her own soft lips against his as their tongues explored each other's mouths. Becoming quicker, faster –until he pulled back. Breaking away, she'd looked up at him in wonderment.

"I-I don't think best friends do that," she'd said.

"Well then, I guess we still have some figuring out to do," he replied, wrapping his arm around her once more.

_Private investigation – why he would do anything for her_

Julius Pepperwood was hard at work, planning the next steps in his private investigation. His gal, Jessica Night, was out on a reconnaissance mission – gathering clues about the suspected serial killer, 'Mr Pipe' – his calling card, a section of pipe stuffed down the throat of his victims.

As he studied images that adorned the cork board on his wall, his mind focused. This was Pepperwood and Night's first big case and he was determined to crack it. Night had been undercover at a local junior college, her previous career as teacher came in handy when working on this case. Today, she was stalking out their prime suspect, one of her students, Edgar.

The harsh electronic ring of his cell phone shook Julius out of his thoughts, pulling of his blue hat, he flipped open his phone.

"Apricots!" came the instant response from the other end of his line. It was Night. That was her safe word. Instantly, he sprang into action.

"Where are you?" he'd whispered.

"School, office, come now. He's here!" Pepperwood detected a hint of panic in her voice which made his heart begin to thud.

"I'm coming Jessica," he said as he ran out of the door.

Screeching into the parking lot, he'd leapt out of his car and raced towards the main entrance. Once inside, he had switched into incognito mode. Pulling his cap down low over his eyes, he'd kept his head down and walked close to the walls as he rushed to Night's office.

Reaching her door, he saw the shadows of figures through the frosted glass of the door. He paused for a second until he recognised the unmistakable outline of a pipe being raised into the air. "Jessica!" he had screamed. Pushing the door, he found it was locked. So he turned and ran at it, using his hip to burst the lock. He'd landed inside in a heap, beneath him the unconscious figure of Edgar, aka 'Mr Pipe'. His head quickly turned to face Night – she was stood, her hands rubbing the reddened skin of her neck, a look of shock and happiness on her face.

"Oh, Julius!" she had exclaimed. Pushing himself to his feet he had swept her into his arms and checked her face and neck for signs of damage.

"Are you okay Night?" She nodded silently.

"I was so-so scared…"

"Well I'm here. I'd never let anything happen to you," he said in a calm, reassuring voice.

"You mean that?" she said in a small voice.

"You're my gal Night, what would I do without you?" Her face erupted in a beaming smile as he tipped her back into a deep kiss, enveloping her body within his, pouring his passion into her and leaving her breathless.

_Behind the iron curtain – what that look meant to him _

Jess had said he was hot. Okay, well he _could_ be 'smokin' hot'. Close enough. "Well that's very nice of ye," he'd said in response, his hand automatically moving to her leg as he did so, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Her eyes had instantly moved to his hand, until their gazes had met. A quiet fell over them. She pulled her mouth into a smile. He copied.

Fixed upon each other, something had passed between them. The friction and energy of that moment had filled him with a certain kind of hope. But even then he wasn't really sure what that hope was for. He wasn't sure the consequences of this feeling until he heard the words spill from his mouth, "No, not like this."

Those four words had left his lips before her even had time to compose them in his mind. All other thoughts escaped him as he scrambled for an explanation; he saw the curious, confused and quizzical expression that overcame her. Babbling, he tried to make his own sense of what he had said until it had finally dawned on him.

All those times he'd thought about it, all those fantasies – that was how it should be. Special. Memorable. Not part of some dumb drinking game – that would cheapen it. With this realization he panicked. He knew is he had stayed in that room he would have divulged all, so he ran, he escaped. Hey, nothing new there for Nick Miller. Run away from real feelings.

_Later that Night_

"Nick, the scratching's back," she'd whispered into his room.

"Alright, alright Jessica," he'd replied sleepily as he slunk out of his room. He couldn't say no to her; the embarrassment of earlier had faded a little.

"Good night Nick," she'd said, patting him on the arm.

"Goodnight," he'd replied. Time had stopped, or at least seemed to. Turning away in a flash of soft pink robe, he knew this was it. This was the opportunity, another opportunity to do it right. Show her how he felt – despite the fact he thought it would not lead anywhere but disappointment. He had to. Filled with a strange confidence he hadn't known in a long time he had taken hold of her arm and spun her round, crashing his lips to hers before she had time to react. At first, he didn't know where to put his hands, he wasn't even sure what he was doing or how she would react, but the instant her arms had wrapped around his neck, he knew.

Grasping her body in his arms, he'd kissed her, hard, strong, firm. Like a man should kiss a woman. It was brief but filled with passion. Pausing for breath, he rested his forehead upon her own and looked down on her. Her chest rose and fell quickly as her eyelids fluttered. Bending down he placed two small, loving kisses upon her rosebud mouth before he cupped her cheek in his hand and tilted her face up to his. Looking into each other's eyes, he'd said the one thing he wanted her to know, the reply to her earlier questions:

"I meant something like that."


End file.
